twenty-nine.

maybe.

ok lately i have been messing it all up.
i keep hearing what a disappointment i am to you. i cant take it much more, so here goes...

to you i am your hero,
to you i am your let-down.
to you i am your goal,
to you i am you fear.

to me i am just surviving.
i dont want to pretend
pretend to have it all figured out.
pretending is lying.

i am not a liar.
i am not your hero
i am not your fear
let me go and
let me survive.


if you can't be happy for me, then maybe we weren't friends to begin with. im sorry i have been such a let down for you.
it is time we find a new way because this one is killing me.
good bye to you and to the times we have shared.
this is dedicated to my new life. the new life that i am hopefully going to be me and thrive in.
wish me well or leave me be.

sorry, i needed to have a personal venting session tonight. i didn't know where else to turn. forgive me for not being more GLBT focused in this post, but let us not forget that i may be gay but that does not take up my whole existence. tonight, i am saying good-bye to the people who cannot or will not wish me well. i am starting fresh and i hope that you will join me, without explanation, in dreaming of the possibilities for this new life.
trust me when i say, it is needed.
peace to you.

yours freely,
SH

twenty-eight.

One year.
It has been one year since this all started. One year since I asked my best friend to start on this journey with me. One year since I said nothing else would come in my way.
In the last year, I have managed to alienate some of my best friends. I have embarrassed and on some level disappointed my family. I have made adversaries out of co-workers and been forced to be closeted by acquaintances.
It has been one hell of a year.
I have been published, outed, employed, laid off and rejected. I have made so many mistakes and fallen on my face more times than I care to think about.

...but...

I would not change any of it for the world. I know that many of you read this blog and think about ways to refute what I am saying, but please know this, I am still standing strong.
We are not going anywhere. Galatia is alive and kicking and we are making a difference.
Thank you so much to my best friend. She did not doubt for a second this was possible, and if was not for her I would have given up a long time ago. I am so blessed to have such a strong person in my life. She has helped through all the times that everyone else has found fault in me. When I was not good enough, she still saw my potential. I will be eternally grateful!
To my friend, Neal Hardy, I will be indebted for eternity. You drove me crazy sometimes, but you always came through with what was best for the group. You have grown so much in the last year it has inspired me to be a stronger leader. Thank you!
And to those who have taken up our work as they can, thank you. Thank you for passing on the blogs to your friends and our emails to those who were in need. You have made what we do possible. And I know that if we keep working together and fight towards our goal, we will continue to save lives.
For all those I have let down in the past, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you needed. I'm sorry I couldn't have been more. In the next year, I will do my best to be better, but I will still know that I am only human. I can't make you all happy, but I am going to hope that you understand I do this for the betterment of everyone and not just individual people. This is about reaching out to a dying community with the truth that will save them. I just want to be the messenger if they will let me.

So this is me. I'm not Tennessee James. I'm not a grandiose figure that won't ever let you down. I'm just a woman who saw injustice and needed to be free. Once I saw that freedom was possible, I knew that I couldn't let others stay imprisoned.
Will you be free with me?

Yours freely,
Samantha Hasty
samjhasty@yahoo.com

twenty-seven.

At some point this is the most personal job anyone could ever have, but at the same time it is just that...a job. You cannot take it to heart.
Right now I am dealing with a lot of drama in the organization I work with and I absolutely hate it. I am one of the most honest people, so for me to be accused of betraying someone is a low blow. I would love nothing more than to be wrong at this point and apologize for that, but I know that I am not wrong. In my opinion, if people are not guilty of wrong doing then they would not feel the need to scream their innocence before an accusation was even made.
This whole thing is so frustrating to me. Somewhere along the way we have gotten off track from what our original goal was. When did we stop caring about the people we are trying to help and focus on ourselves?
I pray that we all, me included, can walk away from this with that as our full focus. Let us leave hurt feelings behind and remember that there are people counting on us to keep moving forward.

Yours freely,
Tennessee James
tennjames06@yahoo.com

twenty-six

The staff here are putting us through intensive anti-racism training.  I am always excited to learn, but I am finding that through this training a lot of the participants are starting to segregate themselves.  Ally with people who share their different understandings and experiences. 
It is creating a lot of strife within our group.  I think confrontation is a good thing.  It helps clear the air, but at the same time I think that causing factions is never a good thing in such a small group.

How would you all handle this situation? 
Do you think the fact that majority of us are GLBTQ influences our need to segregate and make stronger alliances?

Yours freely,
Tennessee James
tennjames06@yahoo.com

twenty-five.

I just finished an entire training session on racism.  It hit close to home finally when we started talking about how racism influences every aspect of our lives. 
When they started talking about how we see women and LGBTQ people through racial lines, it made me want to cry.  But, the one that sent me over the edge was when we talked about HIV+ people. 
For some reason that one struck me as the most offensive.  Above the comments about women, feminists, over-weight people, etc., that one made me the most emotional.
Even after all this time, when people start talking about HIV/AIDS patients my emotions run wild.  I am so attached to that community it makes me hurt to think that anyone could discriminate health care, or housing, or support in any way for these people based on their race or social status.
I guess at some point we all have to make a conscience decision to be aware of these obstacles.  Now is the time that I admit that these issues plague my life.  I wish they didn’t, but they do.  It is up to me to change them.

Yours freely,
Tennessee James
tennjames06@yahoo.com

twenty-four.

The other day I was eating lunch with my friends, and they told me that the only difference between a writer and people who want to be writers is courage. They suggested I look into writing; I quickly dismissed what they were saying, but now that I have had time to think…
It is an interesting notion. Writing helps me focus my desires. It helps me understand what I have been through. It gives me a chance to reflect and look forward. And while it is already multi-purpose, it is very therapeutic.
I have to admit I question my own ability to put two words together and create a complete thought, but I know that if I were to stop it would be as if I lost something that was a part of me.

I am in Texas, and it’s hot! You would think I would be okay with it because I am originally from here, but NOTHING can prepare you for this exhausted feeling you get from heat.
I am very excited to be here. I was sent to this resort outside of Austin to be trained in nonviolence. I took the vow of nonviolence a couple of years ago, but it is always nice to go to a place and remember why you did what you did.
Sometimes, I forget. I will be honest, and it frustrates me when I find myself giving into my humanly desire to be violent. (By violent, I do not just mean physical violence.) Nonviolence is about so much more than causing someone else no physical distress, but it is about earnestly and honestly loving someone in your heart. It has been difficult lately to do that.
Most of my friends think it is funny, but I am so tired of having all the negativity come from me. I am not a negative person and it breaks my heart that my spirit is so worn out from what has been going on lately.
Please continue to think good thoughts on my behalf and pray for my ever peaceful journey.
Peace to you all.

Yours freely,
Tennessee James
tennjames06@yahoo.com

twenty-three.

It is time. Quiet is no longer an option and violence will not be a part of our plan. Peace must come through peace!

"Peace does not come rolling in on the wheels of inevitablity. We can't just wish for peace. We have to will it, fight for it, suffer for it, demand it from our governments as if peace were God's most cherished hope for all humanity, as indeed it is."
~William Sloane Coffin

I believe we can do this. I know we can.
I have not been on here in a bit because I started to believe for a minute that I did not have anything to offer you. No words of encouragement or motivation because for the last few months I have not had any for myself. It has been about the personal struggles I have been going through.
But only moments ago, I realized that none of that matters. I can no longer be a bystander if I want to see change happen. This is an epiphany I have every few months or so. It helps me stay motivated and focused on our goals. I have let my money problems and struggles with my group of friends get in the way of my vision for why we are here.
Well, I am back and ready to work.
Now is the time.
Are you ready?

Yours freely,
Tennessee James

twenty-two

It is always weird to see yourself through other people's eyes.
The last two months I have tried to look at my life like that. How do my friends see me? How does my family see me? How do the people I go to church with see me?
I have been looking hard at my life trying to figure out if it is possible to make everyone else happy and still remain myself along the way...
I am learning that that can't happen most of the time. My friends say they love me without reservation and without hesitation. My church says they love me because of what I can be with them. And my family says they love me despite of what I am.
But I know that there is one that loves me not because or despite of what I am or because of what I can offer him. He sees me just as I am. Flaws and all. He understands my ways and knows my words. He hears my thoughts and still sticks around. He is the only one who has died for me and the only one I live for.
I know there are people out there who question my faith in the creator and some even question his ability to love me back, but let me just say this...
We may disagree on whether God can bless a GLBT person or a same-sex couple but never once have we disagreed on salvation. Mine is found in Christ. I am not ashamed of that and I know he is not ashamed of me.
It is when I am alone with him that I feel the most at peace with myself.
I know many people out there would like me to stop talking, sit down and keep my opinions to myself. A lot of people think it is bad enough I vote, so why would they want to hear about why I vote the way I do. That is completely understandable. I can see why you would feel so uncomfortable around me and my friends. I can understand why our relationships make you cringe.
I am not trying to change your mind. I have said it before and I will say it again...

I don't want to change minds; I want to open them.

All I ask is that you see that my love for Christ is genuine. Faith is a journey. I am on mine, and I wish you the best of luck on yours.
Peace of Christ with you and your prayers. May you seek to bless people instead of cursing them even when you don't understand where they are coming from.

Yours freely,
Tennessee James

twenty one.

For two and a half years I sat quietly as you spoke about my gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer and allied brothers and sisters. I listened as you told thousands of young adults that it is alright to point fingers and pass judgment on others. You asked us on several occasions to stand up and point out these offenders and transgressors so that you may bring them to a place of healing. You said it was for their own good that they follow God's plan for creation.

Well, I have some questions for you. When is it ever alright to boast in your own spiritual walk? From what you always taught us, it is God's design to receive the glory. Not You. Why do you ask other students to point out their peers when it plainly states in the Bible, you preach so loudly, not to accuse another without pulling the plank out of your own eye first? And why is it you hold so tightly to your understanding of God's creation when so many times in the past it has been proven that your understanding of those first three chapters of Genesis are narrow and faulty?

Last night, I sat in on a class of approximately three hundred freshmen at your university. I sat quietly as one of the professors spoke about the "abomination" that is taking over our culture and society. I heard him say that it is impossible to truly be following after God and in a homosexual relationship at the same time. He quoted several articles and books by conservative authors about the great success that is reparative therapy and ex-gay ministries.

He told his three hundred+ students that our community has lied to them. He taught that we are in fact not discriminated against and that these hate crimes we are always talking about actually have nothing to do with being gay but more than likely are about drugs or sex trading. He continued on by talking about how we have convinced/manipulated America into believing that we are being taxed without representation and are unfairly represented in the political parties.

The one that I loved the most was when he said, "monogamy is the exception for these people, not the rule."

Before I walked into the classroom last night, I sat in the library with my friend. I sat there staring at my phone and wondering what I was going to hear. My friend quickly fell asleep on the coach adjacent to me. I prayed that I would receive a sign that I was doing the right thing. Before I knew what was happening a young woman I met last semester while I was still a student at this university was sitting next to me and crying. She began to tell me about her friend. He is a young gay man who has been a Christian for about three years. He has gone off to another school, but they still stay in close contact with one another.
She told me through her tears that she is confused about what she believes. She wanted me to tell her if her friend was a Christian. She wanted to believe that what he said was true, but everything her classmates and teachers are telling her says that he is lying and must be going to hell. I asked her if she was a Christian. She quickly said, "Yes!" I looked at her and told her I did not believe her. She looked at me shocked and offended. I asked her to prove it to me. She said that it was just something she had prayed about and God gave her his salvation. I replied with a remark similar to "well, I was not there so how do I know?"

She understood what I was saying in no time. How is it then that so many people want to tell others whether or not they are under God's grace? You were not there when I had that conversation with our creator. Why do you think you can tell me that I am a liar and God is not with me? I have as much assurance of my salvation in Christ as I can understand anybody else has! It has been a journey to get to the place I am in my walk with God. I know that this journey is not over. I will continue to grow and seek after the will of the creator for my life as I hope you do for yours.

Now, about the accusations that this professor has said about me and my community. I try very hard to be as honest with people as I can be. I want to be able to look back at my life and say that I lived it to its' fullest and honestly. So, to sit there and be called a liar was insulting.

Let me start off by saying that I DO NOT HAVE AN AGENDA! I do not have some secret plan to convert your innocent children to the homosexual "lifestyle". All I want to do is be able to marry the person I love just like my family and friends have done. I want to be able to visit the person I love in the hospital without having to lie and say I am their sister or friend. I want to be able to file a tax return or an insurance claim without having to wonder if it will be accepted in my state or if I will have to go back to the state that recognizes my union. I am not a liar. I am just a small town lady who is tired of being called a manipulator and the moral downfall of America.

I want to address the accusation he said about us having political power. He said that to be considered a minority group we would have to prove that we are politically powerless. He said that is just not the case because we have our inside guys on both sides of the political spectrum. I am sorry, but if that is the case why can I still be fired from my job or kicked out of my house for being LGBTQ? Why do I not have the same basic rights as my heterosexual counterparts? I beg to differ with the professor on this one. If we have so much political power then why are we still struggling just to have our voices heard in the government?

I want to talk this next one with some carefully chosen words. I can only speak from my experience. I can only write about what I know to be true for me and some of my friends. I am a very monogamous person. I can't even bring myself to have a crush on more than one person at a time. I have friends that are celebrating 20 years in their relationship next month. They proudly stand up and say they have been faithful the entire time. I know others who have been together almost 30 years, 7 years, 4 years. MOST of the people I surround myself with know that value of a committed, monogamous, long-term relationship. I am not going to spout off statistics about heterosexual teenagers and their sexual activity. I am not going to put anybody on a moral high horse with this one. We are all equally human and we all have made mistakes in the past. All I am saying is that this argument is an illogical fallacy on so many levels and it needs to finally be laid to rest.

I went onto the campus last night in hopes of learning something new. I hope I never stop believing that one day you will change your discriminatory policies against the LGBTQA students on your campus. Until that happens I will be writing things like this so others outside of your university and outside of your church will know exactly what it is you are falsely accusing my community of.
I pray that you see your mistakes before it is too late. Before more people hear your message and believe that God can not love them and they take their own lives. Before more people take what you preach literally and begin to kill off the "abominations" using violence and over-spiritualized prejudice. I have faith in our God that understanding will one day come to your hearts and minds.

Yours freely,
Tennessee James

twenty.

I understand that today is a day to remember.
I keep a copy of Dr. King's "I have a Dream" speech over my bed. I turn every morning and read a bit of it just to keep myself in the right state of mind for what I have to accomplish. I wanted to take this opportunity to share my favorite part of that speech with you today. It really defines for me what we are trying to do.

"But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.

We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. They have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone."

I do not think I can add anything to that to help it resinate with anyone. I hope you take this day to remember where we have come from and where we are still headed.
Dream big my friends!

Yours freely,
Tennessee James